I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
