Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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