So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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