The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize