If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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