Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
