I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Randomize
