Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
