Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
