he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
