I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
