I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
