i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
