...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
