My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
