I wish my penis had an off switch
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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