My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
