Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
