I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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