Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm jealous of your bromance
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
