Can i not drive my cunt home
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
