they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
