Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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