she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
