My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
