By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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