i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
