SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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