she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
