Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
