this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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