I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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