Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
