did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
