you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
