I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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