you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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