Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
