i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
