I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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