I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
