my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
