literally had 100 drinks last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
