Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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