Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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