why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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