I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
