I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm passing your future prison.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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