i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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