i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize