every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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