Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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