Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
