you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
