My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think my moral compass just broke
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