All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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