Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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