I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
How does it feel to date your dad?
its liver damage thursday
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
