dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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