Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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