broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
