I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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