Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize