i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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