I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
