There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
