4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
