I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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