I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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