I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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