I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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