Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
