Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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