was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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