I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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